3 WEEKS!! The good and the bad
Today was both good and bad, and ill start with the bad – just so I can finish with the good 🙂
I called the psych I had the referral to, and he is booked out until March… I do understand that this is good for him, however I do not want to take sleeping pills until then.
Work – work at the moment has been unbelievably stressful. Between things not going to plan, and customers who are just so, so demanding – I thought about coming home and smoking at least half a dozen times.
Sleep – last night I had a dream that was bad..
Nowhere near as bad as the others lately -which is good- but bad nonetheless.
I hope this is some sort of sign that normality is on its way!!
The biggest negative of them all, was the fact that I continually (throughout the day) considered smoking when I got home from work – as that is how I have always, in the past, dealt with the added stress.
I am sure that this has a lot to do with my -unrealistic- expectations… And by that I mean I was sure by the 3 week mark that this wouldn’t be a consideration.
There have been a lot of things playing on my mind, that in the past wouldn’t.
For example – and I never considered bringing this up in a blog – I am most likely unable to have children…. I was given the odds of 1:1,000,000.
This has been playing on my mind a lot lately – and I didn’t connect it to smoking previously, but now realise that my smoking was just working as a numbing effect – helping me to block it out and not deal with it… Where as now I see more clearly – I understand that this is a massive hurdle (for me).
I also consider this a positive – in that I feel I am now ready to take on issues such as this head on, rather than to smoke myself stupid and forget about it l together…
I had a friend call me and ask for advice on the accounting program that she uses at her work – and that I am pretty familiar with, and I was actually able to talk her through it and reach a solution… Something that I wouldn’t have had the confidence to even attempt 3 weeks ago…
And she reached this solution and was extremely grateful for my input!! – this made me feel a lot better!!
Despite all the temptations throughout the day I didn’t smoke when I got home – and it’s now 10.10pm my time and I’m about to go to bed – so that’s definitely a plus lol
I have made it to week 3!!
…to be honest, I did not see myself making it this far this easily – well it wasn’t easy, lets be honest – but I expected myself to fail by now… Probably just a coping mechanism…
I am alive…
I know this sounds silly, but after spending a bit of time on my Facebook news feed today, I realise that I am lucky just to be here.
Living is a privilege – not a right, and I understand what this means now.
I don’t have much more to add at the moment, but would like to thank both Joe and Richie again (I know, broken record) for giving me the confidence, strength and support to get where I am now!!
It’s all going to be easier from here on in!!!
Oh and one more shout out – to my other half Chris, without whom I would not have made it as far as I have so far!!!
Thank you all so much for your belief in me 🙂
x x x