Day 6 – Fear & Loathing
About 5 hours into day 6. It is 5 pm here, day 1 started on the 17th of July around noon, very stoned, that is when I decided to quit. I slept in today and went to work late, I wasn’t feeling good and the day continues to err on the depressive side. I am at home now and have been since noon, I left work claiming that I have a meeting and will do my work from home since we had no internet at the office, of course I haven’t done any of that and hopefully I don’t get questioned about it tomorrow. I have had 2 meals so far which is very good considering, and have been smoking a lot of cigarettes.
Feeling calmer now though still quite unhappy and stressed. A lot of crying took place accompanied by high anxiety and loudly asking for my life to be taken. Not sure who I was asking because I still haven’t decided if I believe in god. I am in a constant state of feeling very inferior to others and highly underachieved.
I have thought about how a J would make me feel calmer and make this all go away, but I have not decided to actually have one. As previously mentioned, there are many issues which I have avoided dealing with properly by smoking up, and they are re-surfacing strong. I know it’s gonna get really bad before things get good, and I’m not too happy about that, I just wish I could be free of responsibility for a while, so I can take care of myself while in this state. I know I need to keep busy but I’m not motivated to do much right now. And I am finding it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel and to believe I’ll be able to change the things I don’t like about myself and my life.
I am not doing much at work and for my club. Everything seems like a little much right now, and I got no friends to turn to in this country who don’t smoke up. Also I don’t have a partner, and all this is making me feel lonely and sadder.
I called up an older friend in Canada (I live in Bahrain) who has always been able to help me with my issues. She told me that all I need to focus on now is keeping my head above the water, surviving. She advised that I set hourly goals, not even goals for a whole day, and just focus on what I decided to do in that hour, regardless of what it is, whether it is seeing a friend or writing an email and so on.
I’m going to lie in bed now and watch an episode of Battlestar Galactica – feeling some anxiety creeping in, I just can’t turn my brain off and stop judging myself.
Apologies for all the negativity but I cannot see things another way now.
Over and out,