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Day 6 – Fear & Loathing

just take the first step

 

About 5 hours into day 6. It is 5 pm here, day 1 started on the 17th of July around noon, very stoned, that is when I decided to quit. I slept in today and went to work late, I wasn’t feeling good and the day continues to err on the depressive side.  I am at home now and have been since noon, I left work claiming that I have a meeting and will do my work from home since we had no internet at the office, of course I haven’t done any of that and hopefully I don’t get questioned about it tomorrow. I have had 2 meals so far which is very good considering, and have been smoking a lot of cigarettes.

Feeling calmer now though still quite unhappy and stressed. A lot of crying took place accompanied by high anxiety and loudly asking for my life to be taken. Not sure who I was asking because I still haven’t decided if I believe in god.  I am in a constant state of feeling very inferior to others and highly underachieved.

I have thought about how a J would make me feel calmer and make this all go away, but I have not decided to actually have one. As previously mentioned, there are many issues which I have avoided dealing with properly by smoking up, and they are re-surfacing strong. I know it’s gonna get really bad before things get good, and I’m not too happy about that, I just wish I could be free of responsibility for a while, so I can take care of myself while in this state.  I know I need to keep busy but I’m not motivated to do much right now. And I am finding it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel and to believe I’ll be able to change the things I don’t like about myself and my life.

I am not doing much at work and for my club. Everything seems like a little much right now, and I got no friends to turn to in this country who don’t smoke up. Also I don’t have a partner, and all this is making me feel lonely and sadder.

I called up an older friend in Canada (I live in Bahrain) who has always been able to help me with my issues. She told me that all I need to focus on now is keeping my head above the water, surviving. She advised that I set hourly goals, not even goals for a whole day, and just focus on what I decided to do in that hour, regardless of what it is, whether it is seeing a friend or writing an email and so on.

I’m going to lie in bed now and watch an episode of Battlestar Galactica – feeling some anxiety creeping in, I just can’t turn my brain off and stop judging myself.

Apologies for all the negativity but I cannot see things another way now.

Over and out,

Hadil

Day 4

Hi guys,

So I’m into day 4 now and I don’t want to smoke up. I gave away everything in my stash yesterday. I have been smoking a lot of cigarettes though.

Today has been charged with a lot of negative emotions. I am angry and frustrated and have been crying profusely. There are many things that I have not dealt with in the past few years, and have smoked up and managed to either shut them up or make alternate non-realistic scenarios that helped deflect them away. I guess some of these things are resurfacing now.

I have not been able to think properly especially about my work and club. I hold high positions in both and I’m required to think quickly and strategically, but I just can’t. I can’t help wondering whether I’m just not fit or I’m going through a withdrawal related episode. What’s getting to me the most is seeing how my peers are effortlessly identifying next steps and actioning them, when I feel crippled and extremely overwhelmed.

Is this normal?

 

Sincerely,

Hadil

Novice blogger: My first day of quitting hash

I have not smoked up for 12 hours.

I am a 26 year old woman. I have been smoking hash everyday for the past 4 years (except on days when I didn’t have any and couldn’t get it), and I smoked weed on a daily basis for two years before that. I cannot really remember when I first started, maybe when I was 17. Of course, I did not used to smoke as often but I definitely felt a need to do so to escape anxiety and depression, and I surrounded myself with people who also smoke regularly. Read More …

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