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Marie QUITS! Day 3

I had some actual thoughts today to “score” and luckily got a supportive note from Angel! Whew.

Actually today was super productive. I am unemployed right now so that’s saying a lot! I have many excuses to smoke, but even more to NOT smoke. My throat is sore today, maybe that’s from the flu like drip (yuck) irritating my chords? I am a singer and this is NOT good. Smoking is actually the worst thing for my chords, so why would I even do such a thing????  I guess I thought it relieved anxiety.  Turns out, it has been creating and expanding anxiety – brilliant!

Tonight I went to see my favorite singer, Susanne Sundfor. She is from Norway and played at a tiny club here in LA (she sells out big concerts in Europe). It was her first US tour and there was definitely a feeling that next time she is here it will be a much bigger venue and much harder to get tickets, and of course much harder to get close to the stage. Man, I was so happy to not be stoned, for I know I will remember this concert clearly which is important to me. I actually felt really tripped out and high from the actual music, more so than on weed. It’s really hard for those who have not taken the step to quit to understand that.

The book “The Easy Way To Stop Drinking” talks about all the life events that alcoholics associate with having a beer or whatever, like this: Drinkers think that weddings, parties, concerts, dinner out at a nice restaurant, etc are naturally coupled with drinking and they can’t imagine not drinking at those events because it is how they have a good time. The author points out that THOSE EVENTS ARE FUN, it’s not the alcohol. He describes how little kids of course don’t drink at these events and they have a perfectly good time!  He illustrates the process of kids arriving at a kids party: A bunch of kids get together and, at first, when they are arriving, they are shy, their little bodies are tense, they look around, slightly afraid… exactly the way adults FEEL when they arrive at a party!  But what do the adults do? They grab a drink (or smoke). The kids? They just sort of… dip their toe in, the shyness subsides quickly and before you know it they are running around playing and screaming. Adults have just fallen into the trap and think they NEED a drink to unwind, because that’s what drugs do, trap you into thinking you need them and systematically destroy our ability to function without them.  They have been taught to begin experimenting with these things as a teen or young adult by the marketing campaigns of alcohol, by pop culture, films, t.v., by the example of their parents, etc.

I find this useful in quitting smoking pot which is harder for me to quit, admittedly, than alcolhol was. Pot is my “drug of choice” as they say. As if there was ever a choice in the first place.  We ceased to have an actual choice soon after the first time getting high. Well maybe we’ve identified  two choices:  Smoke, and be trapped, OR. don’t smoke, and live a life that is kind of boring.

That is also a trap, because when you only have two choices, that’s not actually choice, in the sense of having freedom.  I am going to continue making the choice each day to be FREE.  Free of feeling like I can’t have fun or enjoy otherwise enjoyable things without weed. in fact, I am going to be free to enjoy things even more, way more, than when in the weed trap.

Marie QUITS! Day 2

Hi! got though day 2 with some urges, tiredness, anxiety, thoughts of smoking making it all better. Whew!

It wasn’t that bad but then again I was not a real heavy smoker. I would go through a gram or two a week. However, that was enough to make me feel like a slave, and make me feel below average health-wise, and to just have a sense of avoiding stuff in general- whether it’s thoughts or emotions, feeling of anxiety, etc. I do feel that it “works” to soothe anxiety, but the thing is that anxiety is just a symptom that something is wrong. When the smoke clears, the anxiety is still there, meaning the problems are still there. And they can get bigger as you avoid them over the years. Waiting gives the devil time…

Many times over the last year as I’ve quit for three months at a stretch I’ve focused on this, but I would have a bad day and think, “this is just too much, I really need to just give myself a break from this” and then smoke and feel a huge sense of relief from the discomfort. Then guilt, then back to the feeling of being trapped. Looking back, I see that the temporary relief was not only not worth it, but contributing to the ongoing avoidance of the “stuff” and therefore holding me back in numerous ways. It’s actually really depressing, and makes me cry with remorse and sadness over the loss!

Life is so weird.

Then again, I feel that all the pot smoking I did up until now was simply where I was at, and I am simply wanting to be elsewhere now. I want to grow more than I can while being trapped.

Oh by the way cutting way back on caffeine while quitting pot totally helps! I am so tired now, at 10:41. Usually I would need to smoke now to start to wind down but since I am not jacked up by caffeine I am feeling sleepy!

People, if you are quitting or thinking about quitting, watch out for the alcohol trap. I hear a lot of people drink more than they did, of course it’s a substitute for the numbing “relaxing” effects of pot. Alcohol doesn’t help you relax. It deadens your senses, yes, but it systematically destroys your own natural ability to relax and traps you into thinking you need it. I used to also have a problem with alcohol stemming from the various times I tried to quit pot. Over the years I was drinking more and more regularly, and I actually quit back in May and had no problems, because I read a book called The Easy Way To Stop Drinking. It SO worked on me and actually helped prepare me for giving up pot, too. Check it out! By Alan Carr.

Anyway, thanks to Joe for your support and for creating this blog. Day two, filled with reflection and just a little discomfort 😉

Marie QUITS! Day 1

Just threw out all my stash, pipes, papers, etc. Went to a concert last night and did not feel like smoking but did it anyway, and as a result did not enjoy the concert as much as I would have if I had remained sober (weird?? Not weird, just atypical, for me).

I have been struggling to quit for many years, and my husband is also a smoker. I have gone as long as a year without pot in the past, but usually no more than three months. My husband often will be the one to “break” the abstinence. Last time, one week ago, after a week of abstinence, HE was the one who got mad at me for bringing it back – YAY! He has never wanted to quit before, it was always me. Now that he wants to quit, I think it will be a whole lot easier. If he gives in and brings some home, I will remember that it does not have to affect my personal mission.

Also I am just now realizing, as I write this, that I have quit for three months several times in the past. Hmmm…. three months from now is… Christmas! Then New Year, which is also my birthday. Lots of excuses around that time… but looking ahead now, and planning for that, will help, I think. Today I will brainstorm a bit about what that time might be like when I am experiencing all of the benefits of being sober (I don’t drink) and also What the new year will bring and how much more I will be able to enjoy and accomplish.

And being that it is day 1, I am going to do a classic “replacement” method of quitting, by beginning a daily meditation practice. I will start with 10 minutes. Today I will do it at 5pm (my husband gets home from work at around 5:30).

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