Being an Ass
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Today is Day 30 in my personal quest to stop smoking pot. It has been going very well and I’ve pledged to try to focus on positives, but right now I just cannot. I probably should not be writing this post in the interest of the common good and trying to be a good influence on others – but I need to be honest here and paint the entire picture.
You see, it is 2 am, and I awoke about an hour ago with a headache so bad it makes me feel like I want to puke. I’ve been having a lot of headaches every day since I reinjured my neck a couple of weeks ago – but none this bad. The area around the discs in my neck that are herniated are so swollen that it feels like someone cracked me in the back of the head with a baseball bat ….
With enough constant and chronic pain like this, I can almost begin to understand why Kurt Cobain did it – although I still think that was chickenshit taking the easy way out and leaving his daughter like he did. I know I have way too much to do to go out like that – and would never consciously do anything to hurt myself. BUT – I also know that I cannot continue to suffer like this and need to find some relief.
Apparently it is this pain that I carry around with me that has contributed to me being such an asshole. I’ve been a total dick to almost everyone around me – and I thought it was ‘withdrawls’ from pot. Now I don’t think so any longer. Pain of any kind sucks, but when it is this close to your brain, it really, really sucks. I just feel very, very sorry for anyone and everyone who has had the misfortune of spending time around me. Especially for my daughter, my family and those who I live with and around. Not to mention all the former girlfriends (and a couple of ex-wives) who have somehow managed to survive my torture with meanness and anger. So many good people have felt my pain in one way or another. I really am very, very sorry for that. There is absolutely zero excuse for treating people the way I have.
What makes me feel even worse is that I’ve allowed myself to start feeling sorry for me – when I have so many advantages that others would love to have. I look at an inspirational guy like Sean Stephensen who has accomplished many great things in the face of diversity most people could never even imagine and it makes me feel like a piece of crap for carrying around this attitude.
Although it is very hard for me to think right now, I can only see three solutions at this point: 1) Make enough money to pay for as much acupuncture as I need. 2) Find a local acupuncturist who is willing to trade services for advertising on my websites or 3) Go back to using MMJ and being stoned for the rest of my life. I choose #1 and will continue to focus on my Solavei business and 49DollarCellService.com (you can help by letting me help you save money on your cell service), but will also be spending some time this week seeking an acupuncturist here in Bellevue who is willing to trade services.
It’s my hope that this pain will pass and I’ll get through it, but I am very, very scared because I’ve been through this before. It really seems like the movie Groundhog Day is starting all over again. I really hated that movie.