Time to change…….for times sake

I started smoking once or twice a week when I was in my early twenties. It slowly developed into an ‘after-work’ treat and even then, I am talking one or two small spliffs.
Over the years it took over me, as I started to work from home so that meant my first spliff of the day could be as early as 11am and that would be the first of five or six. Where I live, smoking hash or weed is as common as having a coffee so it has become almost normalised. And that counteracted any guilt or concerns that I had about my ever increasing habit. It’s also ‘semi-legal’ without going into the finer details but basically, smoking is in no way a taboo as it maybe in other countries.
When I found out I was expecting, I gave up smoking the very same day and swore I would never look back. . However, once my child started taking formula, I would treat myself to a spliff after a long day….and then slowly slipped back into bad habits. I felt like an awful mum but at the same time, it was extremely hard to stop as my husband smokes too (I can’t bring myself to call him or myself ‘a user’ as it brings to mind images of junkies living in squalor, which is far, far from the truth). We are a normal, working family but we’ve carried a ‘habit’ through from our youth into our adulthood and I can no longer justify it.
There’s no point me totaling up what we spend on it because really because it’s peanuts and doesn’t deter me at all….between us, we’d spend about 60€ a month. I know people that spend that on take away food and fill their bodies with junk but of course, that’s ok because that is legal and more socially acceptable.
No, it’s not about the money. It’s about my time. It’s about what the spiff is taking away from me in time. And whatever time it takes away from me, it takes away from my child. She is my sole motivation for quitting. She will turn two soon and she needs a mother who is lively, who can keep up with her and who doesn’t shy away from going to the park because she’s half stoned and doesn’t want to bump into people. She needs a mum who won’t be a hypocrite when she is of an age that she might experiment with drugs – please God she doesn’t but if she does, how can I look her in the eyes and tell her not to go down that road while I am stoned myself?
So I quit, again, and went cold turkey 8 days ago (again, terminology that I find difficult to apply to myself due to all of its connotations). The first two days are the hardest and I felt very wound up and snappy. The most difficult part of quitting is not so much the ‘addiction to the drug’, in my opinion, it’s the addiction to the habit of taking the drug. That after lunch joint that sets you up for a relaxing afternoon, rolling a spliff when you know you are ‘done for the day’ (although that time was becoming increasingly earlier), enjoying a summers evening slightly stoned and mellow…..that’s what is hard about giving up. We are creatures of habit after all so if our habits revolve around a rolling up schedule, it just forms part of our daily routine. So as creatures of habit, we can surely changes those habits and become accustomed to a whole new set of habits instead – something more productive, healthy and more to the point – habits which do not rob me my daughter of my time.

2 Commentsto Time to change…….for times sake

  1. Quitting Pot says:

    Great post Nicky – thank you so much for sharing part of your story! How are you doing lately? Have you been creating any new healthy or productive habits?

  2. Hey everybody,
    Lot's of great stories on here, I feel like I'm in good company. I started smoking kind of late, when I was in college, at 20. Within a year or two, it developed into a daily habit. I guess One hugely negative thing I could say about it is that it distracted me from the truth, my life and all kinds of opportunities. Instead of studying abroad and getting a "real" job right out of college, it made regular, normal, easy things, like working for a moving company seem just as attractive as getting a decent internship at a big company. Well, fast forward 15 years later, I'm 35, I have a 4 year college degree, but that doesn't shit anymore to anyone anymore, it was so long ago and was in liberal arts. Long story short, I can't can't a job in today's market. I tried to go back to vocational school and finished, but that didn't pan out either, apparently I'm not that good at what I went back for. I just had a guy in an interview ask me if I thought I might be a little accident prone. So as you might be picking up now, I'm feeling pretty sorry for myself. Usually weed helps me not think that way, and motivates me to clean the house and do countless other stuff, too. I've been clean for about 3 weeks now, and all that's due to is lack of trying. First off, I'm still really pissed off about the law not passing in OH, keeping us in the dark ages, where pot is still illegal, and you have to rely on shady drug dealers and pot friends if you want it, and the quality is more often than not on the shittier side. I've also been on the job hunt, too so I've been playing it safe staying away from it, although it's been hard, as that hunt has not been all that successful so far.
    As of now I can't imagine my life without having the option to get lit. It helps my mood, sense of humor, conversations, everything. But it hasn't all been great…
    I guess to be fair I should start listing the bad things about it that I can think of off the top of my head.
    -My short term memory is virtually DEAD on it. I can't remember what I was JUST talking about sometimes, depending on the strength of the stuff.
    -I have a shorter fuse. I have noticed that I'm more likely to hit my son out of an overpowering searing frustration whenever I'm on it.
    -I hate the urges that I get and always have to be beholden to and satisfy them.
    -It's a money drain. Not really sure who would be getting richer on it, the mexican drug cartels while it's illegal or the new pot barons when it becomes legal but definitely not me!
    -My wife isn't into it, and just doesn't get it. I'm still divided on whether that's a good or bad thing yet, but it sucks for my pot using lifestyle because I practically have to lead a double life just to acquire and use it. But on the other hand, she doesn't enable me.
    -It makes me stupider. Alot stupider…even though I think I'm smarter on it…?
    So these are some pretty big things I'm mentioning here. I've tried to quit in the past, but the cravings (or fascination with it) has always sucked me back in. Still, I don't think people should get jail time for it that's just crazy. There are enough consequences from it without all that.
    So now I'm kind of at a crossroads. I'm starting to think that maybe, just maybe it's sort of responsible for how stagnant my life has become and how unemployable I have become. Sometimes I wish I could just be an unapologetic pothead, work in a sandwich shop, drive a shitty car and go camping alot. But I don't know anyone who can get me a job at a sandwich shop, and I don't know people who camp either:(
    I guess in conclusion, I feel pretty lost right now.

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