3 WEEKS!! The good and the bad

Today was both good and bad, and ill start with the bad – just so I can finish with the good 🙂

I called the psych I had the referral to, and he is booked out until March… I do understand that this is good for him, however I do not want to take sleeping pills until then.

Work – work at the moment has been unbelievably stressful. Between things not going to plan, and customers who are just so, so demanding – I thought about coming home and smoking at least half a dozen times.

Sleep – last night I had a dream that was bad..

Nowhere near as bad as the others lately -which is good- but bad nonetheless.

I hope this is some sort of sign that normality is on its way!!

The biggest negative of them all, was the fact that I continually (throughout the day) considered smoking when I got home from work – as that is how I have always, in the past, dealt with the added stress.

I am sure that this has a lot to do with my -unrealistic- expectations… And by that I mean I was sure by the 3 week mark that this wouldn’t be a consideration.

There have been a lot of things playing on my mind, that in the past wouldn’t.

For example – and I never considered bringing this up in a blog – I am most likely unable to have children…. I was given the odds of 1:1,000,000.

This has been playing on my mind a lot lately – and I didn’t connect it to smoking previously, but now realise that my smoking was just working as a numbing effect – helping me to block it out and not deal with it… Where as now I see more clearly – I understand that this is a massive hurdle (for me).

I also consider this a positive – in that I feel I am now ready to take on issues such as this head on, rather than to smoke myself stupid and forget about it l together…

POSITIVES;

I had a friend call me and ask for advice on the accounting program that she uses at her work – and that I am pretty familiar with, and I was actually able to talk her through it and reach a solution… Something that I wouldn’t have had the confidence to even attempt 3 weeks ago…

And she reached this solution and was extremely grateful for my input!!  – this made me feel a lot better!!

Despite all the temptations throughout the day I didn’t smoke when I got home – and it’s now 10.10pm my time and I’m about to go to bed – so that’s definitely a plus lol

I have made it to week 3!!

…to be honest, I did not see myself making it this far this easily – well it wasn’t easy, lets be honest – but I expected myself to fail by now… Probably just a coping mechanism…

I am alive…

I know this sounds silly, but after spending a bit of time on my Facebook news feed today, I realise that I am lucky just to be here.

Living is a privilege – not a right, and I understand what this means now.

I don’t have much more to add at the moment, but would like to thank both Joe and Richie again (I know, broken record) for giving me the confidence, strength and support to get where I am now!!

It’s all going to be easier from here on in!!!

Oh and one more shout out – to my other half Chris, without whom I would not have made it as far as I have so far!!!

Thank you all so much for your belief in me 🙂

– Katie

x x x

6 Commentsto 3 WEEKS!! The good and the bad

  1. Katie says:

    I mostly use my handy-dandy iPhone 5, but it's only Chris and myself at the shop so I don't need to worry as much – but I regularly clear my history anyway 😉
    x

  2. Katie says:

    Hey

    Sadly, the ridiculous odds were the 2nd opinion, I was at first given a straight up no chance…
    It is likely that while I can fall pregnant – I will continue to miscarry early on due to a rare internal deformity -for lack of a better word, you don’t want the gory details lol-, It doesn’t effect me day to day or anything, and I didn’t even know I had it until my last miscarriage – but that’s another story lol
    At the end of the day, I don’t think it’s that bad (well I try to be positive about it anyway).. And as Richie pointed out too, it could give me the opportunity look after someone much less fortunate
    One positive, I was reading up on the ‘condition’(?) last night, and they are currently doing studies to attempt to change the conditions classification from ‘infertility’
    The thing that worries me, is if I do happen to be in that small percentage to stay pregnant – the odds of ‘deformity’ would be 24.8%, which is pretty high, and I don’t know if I could take a risk like that which may effect the quality life of a child for my own needs… that made more sense in my head lol
    But don’t worry, there’s always practice as you pointed out lol

    I will have a look at that site, thanks for the link!

    Last night I slept with only natural sleeping pills (melatonin I think it was) and don’t remember my dream!! Which is awesome for me.. however Chris did say I woke him up because I was thrashing around violently (poor guy) – so I assume whatever I was dreaming was bad, but yay to not remembering!

    How are you doing? How is the neck?? Hope you are not in too much pain – I wish there was something I could do to help with that!

    You guys rock

    Katie x x

  3. Richie says:

    Cheers Katie, 🙂

    Quick tip: Remember to erase your internet browser history from your work computer. 😉

    I'll only be posting from home.

    Talk soon,

    Richie x

  4. Katie says:

    Hey Richie!

    Thanks so much for your kind words and support!!

    I will definitely consider adoption, because I do want kids, and also find myself becoming very attached to my friends kids!!
    My best mate has three adorable kids, whom I absolutely love and adore, and would do anything for!!

    I'm so glad that you are feeling good, as it should be downhill from here!! – Rocky, but downhill nonetheless 🙂

    Chris is amazing support, and even more amazing for the shit he has put up with through this whole journey!! He really is one of the good guys (as are you and Joe)

    I have to make this short – as I am at work and have heaps on today, but thanks again for your support – it truly does help (probably more than you realise) 🙂

    Oh and nothing you ask me will be taken as being intrusive, I am an open book -as they say lol

    Thanks again,

    Katie x x

  5. Joe Kennedy says:

    AWESOME Katie – So proud of you – you are kicking butt! A great first 3 weeks and you have fought through. Keep on going mate!

    Gratitude is huge for me too. Very grateful to be alive and have the opportunity and ability to change.

    Good job on helping your friend too! Whether you know it or not, you are helping lots of other people every day along your journey …

    Although I'm not a doctor, I think it is terrible for anyone to tell someone they have 1 in a million chance for anything. Please consider seeking out 2nd and 3rd opinions. I've known of a number of women who were told they could not get pregnant who did. You were writing about diet the other day – it can have a big impact on the ability to get pregnant too – http://www.fertilityfactor.com/how-your-diet-can-affect-fertility.html

    There are also lots of fertility clinics and regardless practicing can be very fun, not to mention good (s)exercise 😉 If you cannot have your own, you might want to consider adopting and sharing your love with with a baby (or child) who may not have been blessed with parents who are willing and able to love and take care of.

    So good that you are wanting to tackle issue head-on rather than keep dodging them. You (and Chris) are both true inspirations! He must be a really good dude. Together you will get past all of this and go far!

  6. Richie says:

    Hi there Katie,

    You are probably just gone to sleep as I write this.

    First and foremost, congrats on not hitting the Doob after your stressy day. 😉
    That is the the MAIN test really as far I as I am concerned you just passed with flying colours. You are a gold medal WINNER. Good job girl.

    As I wrote yesterday, I also temporary had the urge but also said NO. My way of dealing with it is to pretend that the urge is like an annoying person in your head trying to talk you into doing something that you simply don’t want to do (like going to a crappy Movie or Club or to buy something worthless that's not good for you) and you simply say 'F**k off, don't waste my time'

    Works for me. 😉

    I am very sorry to here about your issue in relation to having kids. I can understand how smoking can numb the topic so you don't even think about it anymore.

    One of the main reason I quit is because of this effect smoking has. I call smoking weed 'sticking your head in the sand' because it makes you temporary forget about and not deal with important issues in hand. For example, over the last number of years I have literally, completely ignored really important issues by not wanting to deal with them by smoking. For example, ignoring major problems, court letters and other extremely important personal topics.

    I presume that you would like to have kids. I don't mean to pry but If so would you guys consider adoption? One of my best friends is adopted and she has had a superb life and truly loves her adoptive parents and they love her as if their own. I know another couple who adopted a beautiful little girl and they are totally in love with her and she is all that they talk about. From what I know if you adopt you love them and they love you as if they are you your own. Plus, you could be giving an unfortunate child a second chance a super life. That would make anyone feel good about them selves.

    I used to be no fan of kids until I had my own and now I adore children to an extent that I find that I can get attached to other peoples kids just as easily and tend to miss them when they are not around (not just my nephews and nieces but also my friend kids too). I'm sure Joe feels the same due his beautiful little girl.
    Maybe I am intruding or going a little off topic with this? If so, I am sorry.

    Good job on helping you friend out with the problem. 😉

    I woke up today feeling great for the first time since I quit (Hence: me writing) but I will put that in my blog later this evening.

    DAY 21 for you. Wow.
    I understand what you mean about the 'I'm alive… and happy to be here' and 'Living is a privilege'. My dear Mum (who I miss painfully) was so very, very sick before she passed and literally did not have the strength to move anymore that I have also felt guilty about not getting up off my ass and doing more with my life and my Kid since. That's all gonna change now.

    Anyway Katie, I hope my words have maybe supported you somehow. I really feel that contact with you and Joe is therapy for me (my God, I have tears running down my face. WTF!) I really don't think that I would have made it this far without this outlet and having seen how far you guys are. I'm so happy I found Joe's Vid on YouTube.

    You Guys Rock,

    Thank you guys SO, SO MUCH,

    Lots of love,

    Richie xx

    PS: A big shout out to your 'Rock' Chris. Good job Sir. Take good care of your girl mate. I've lost them all.

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