Novice blogger: My first day of quitting hash

I have not smoked up for 12 hours.

I am a 26 year old woman. I have been smoking hash everyday for the past 4 years (except on days when I didn’t have any and couldn’t get it), and I smoked weed on a daily basis for two years before that. I cannot really remember when I first started, maybe when I was 17. Of course, I did not used to smoke as often but I definitely felt a need to do so to escape anxiety and depression, and I surrounded myself with people who also smoke regularly.

Although I had told myself last night that I need to stop smoking up in the wrong time, and then reinforced that by telling myself that I actually should stop smoking all-together because the effects always end up pouring into the wrong time, I woke up today determined to roll a spliff. The plan yesterday was to watch Dexter and smoke up till I feel asleep, and to be happy and productive today, and hash-free, for a while. Not following any aspect of the plan, I called up my boss to inform him that I am not going to work because my back is really tense, which was not a legit reason. I smoked my spliff and had my coffee, and made a couple of silly phone calls which amount to nothing compared to the rest of the tasks on my plate. I did some well needed tidying up while feeling quite heavy headed; I could not stand to do nothing though, or just smoke and watch a video, even if the video is a “beneficial” documentary.

Since I could not think properly to do any work-related tasks or anything for my charity/community service club, I resorted to sleeping off my high in the hopes of waking up sober and fine, to do my work and live a normal and happy adult life. But I couldn’t sleep this time, I knew the false projections weren’t going to work, and that I need to stop getting high. After some stoner-style contemplation, I got out of bed and grabbed a paper and a pen, and put in words what I have been thinking for some time now; that the barriers I feel between myself and things-to-do, people, life’s endeavors and so on, are only in my head, that they are not truly that awful and certainly not scary. And most importantly that this mindset is fueled if not entirely caused by using cannabis over a long and continuous period of time. This has to stop!

I also made sure to remind myself of the irrational reasoning that may follow such a decision to eliminate a major aspect from one’s life; well it’s not reasoning so much as feeling demoralized because the mind begins to talk about how long you’ve been doing this, and the screw-ups you’ve made so far, resulting in a self-loathing routine that lands you back to your bad habit. It’s like putting something off for so long, it kills you to keep procrastinating it, but you somehow reason that you will continue to put it off instead of doing it immediately, because you have failed to do it on time. I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone.

I then proceeded to write up the reasons to “stop smoking up for a while”. Forcing myself to not only think about these reasons but to write them down and going over them again is mainly how I got the right perspective on the situation. I hope some of them are relevant to other people and can help them see the situation clearly. My reasons are:

– It makes me lazy and is eating away at my drive to move and get things done

– It’s gotten me into a habit of constantly analyzing myself but without much useful action; I am stuck in a loop of conceptualizing without doing

– I no longer enjoy doing things high because I cannot think straight and come up with the right solutions. The stoner notion that anything and everything can be done high is false. I have to realize that feeling utterly incapable of taking on projects is the result of being under the illusion that I’m supposed to know my way around these things stoned!!!

– It makes me feel disconnected from the world and incapable of being who I need to be in public. Hold meetings? Speak publicly? think strategically? I can’t even find the right words to express myself anymore!

– The life I want for myself and hash cannot go hand in hand, one of them will have to be compromised.

– The after effects last longer than desired. I cannot smoke in the morning before going to work, or during intense projects

– RIGHT NOW is the time to stop. Prolonging it will only make the side effects of chronic use worse. Whether the journey to quitting will be tough or easy is irrelevant to the fact that the journey needs to take place, and immediately. Should the journey be tough, postponing to go through with it will only intensify its difficulty.

– It’s holding me from leaving my comfort zone. We all need to leave our comfort zones every once in a while, outside that bubble we blow for ourselves is where all the magic happens.

– It’s making me depressed because I get high and I can’t do what I need and want to do, and those things, some are actually things I like and enjoy, just build up and I start to hate them

– It’s worsening my habit of not taking action on the spot. It hinders my thought process to arrive to and make decisions in a timely manner.

– It makes me careless about how I look, my health and the things I own … the standards are lower when you’re high; the standards become a way of life and you stop noticing they’re not right if you’re always high.

– It’s illegal where I live

– It’s bad for the health of my lungs, my skin, and more. My breath stinks and I’m not aging any slower if I continue with this crap.

– I rarely socialize unless smoking up is involved.

I sat for a while and thought the above was sufficient, but something told me to go online and look for ways to support my decision and ease my journey. Before coming across Joe’s brilliant video and blog, I stumbled upon a wonderful guide which goes deep into the identity one develops as a result of chronic use of cannabis.

I have attached the guide here guide to QUITTING CANNABIS uk, and I’m going to leave you to it, this post has run long enough!

Sincerely,

Hadil

 

One Commentto Novice blogger: My first day of quitting hash

  1. Joe Kennedy says:

    Great post Hadil! Thank you for being so open and honest.

    It's great to have you hear on this blog and I look forward to your future posts.

    Onward and upward!

    Joe

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