Day 6 – Fear & Loathing

just take the first step

 

About 5 hours into day 6. It is 5 pm here, day 1 started on the 17th of July around noon, very stoned, that is when I decided to quit. I slept in today and went to work late, I wasn’t feeling good and the day continues to err on the depressive side.  I am at home now and have been since noon, I left work claiming that I have a meeting and will do my work from home since we had no internet at the office, of course I haven’t done any of that and hopefully I don’t get questioned about it tomorrow. I have had 2 meals so far which is very good considering, and have been smoking a lot of cigarettes.

Feeling calmer now though still quite unhappy and stressed. A lot of crying took place accompanied by high anxiety and loudly asking for my life to be taken. Not sure who I was asking because I still haven’t decided if I believe in god.  I am in a constant state of feeling very inferior to others and highly underachieved.

I have thought about how a J would make me feel calmer and make this all go away, but I have not decided to actually have one. As previously mentioned, there are many issues which I have avoided dealing with properly by smoking up, and they are re-surfacing strong. I know it’s gonna get really bad before things get good, and I’m not too happy about that, I just wish I could be free of responsibility for a while, so I can take care of myself while in this state.  I know I need to keep busy but I’m not motivated to do much right now. And I am finding it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel and to believe I’ll be able to change the things I don’t like about myself and my life.

I am not doing much at work and for my club. Everything seems like a little much right now, and I got no friends to turn to in this country who don’t smoke up. Also I don’t have a partner, and all this is making me feel lonely and sadder.

I called up an older friend in Canada (I live in Bahrain) who has always been able to help me with my issues. She told me that all I need to focus on now is keeping my head above the water, surviving. She advised that I set hourly goals, not even goals for a whole day, and just focus on what I decided to do in that hour, regardless of what it is, whether it is seeing a friend or writing an email and so on.

I’m going to lie in bed now and watch an episode of Battlestar Galactica – feeling some anxiety creeping in, I just can’t turn my brain off and stop judging myself.

Apologies for all the negativity but I cannot see things another way now.

Over and out,

Hadil

3 Commentsto Day 6 – Fear & Loathing

  1. Hadil says:

    great quote! thanks Angel! how are you getting on?

  2. Angel says:

    Keep it up, Hadil!!!

    “To make the changes we want, we need to let go of unhealthy but comfortable patterns that we’re stuck in, the way the trees let their colors change, and finally let go of their leaves altogether.”
    -Marie Lindquist

  3. Joe Kennedy says:

    Hang in there Hadil! You can do it!

    Today marks the end of my first 7 months since I quit smoking pot. That's about 210 days or so – and I had been a chronic smoker for most of the previous 37 years …

    If I can do it (and I am), then you can too.

    Just get past the first few weeks and then it will be much easier for you. Try to concentrate on doing positive things like helping others, reading, writing, exercising and eating healthy. All of that will help.

    You are my hero – and I am counting on YOU!!!

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